negate the negativity: why people in glass houses shouldn’t throw style stones
several months back, i stumbled across a rant on someone’s fashion/personal style blog which dogged on the personal style choices of others, vehemently dagging other fashion bloggers out for the clothes they choose to wear, particularly if they leaned toward the “hipster” or “trendy” side (she in fact was a bit more conservative, if you need context). the blogger began her diatribe by claiming not to be judgmental whatsoever, but then did an immediate about-face and wrote paragraphs and paragraphs full of seething descriptions of that which she found utterly distasteful.
from what i could discern after slogging through the aforementioned post, her disgust stemmed from the fact that such hated styles differed from what she personally favored. truthfully, she was like any of us: just your average style blogger with more ire than thoughtful arguments to back up her rants.
i leave the identity of the blogger mentioned above as anonymous, because sadly, she’s not alone…she could be one of so many these days. negativity is the latest fashion trend, at least in some style circles.
reading the rants of the hate-spewing style blogger brought up a long list of questions:
why so much ire?
why so much hate?
why is there so much nastiness? does it make people feel good to be mean?
what is so threatening, or horrible about other people’s style choices, especially if they what some might consider “wrong”?
why is there this grinding need to hurt and judge others?
where does this negativity come from?
is there a better way to approach that which we do not like without irrationally ripping it to pieces?
why is so much energy being fed into negativity?
where does this negativity come from?
is it coming from a place of self-consciousness, of a need to prop oneself up?
is this negativity a competitive thing?
what follows are a series of random thoughts i had after posing those questions…aka, here’s how i see it, aka…my fashion philosophy, and why i think it’s important to negate the negativity:
there is no need to force others to live up to your standards of dress. we all have different likes, dislikes, needs, priorities and lifestyles. i cannot be made to measure up to your standards, just as i would never force you to measure up to mine.
difference is good. imperfection is good…it gives us something to learn from and strive for. i’m not perfect, and neither are you. and it’s really, really okay.
i personally work hard to champion the glamourous, sleek, or minimalist mavens and the wild, experimental, hyperactive fashion experimentalists with equal vigor. my heart and mind are palpably warmed by seeing people looking good, looking like themselves, whatever their aesthetic. i believe that there is inherent beauty in all styles, all manners and modes of dressing. some may not be my cup o’ tea, but that’s just dandy. life’s too short to be nasty…being nice feels better to me.
i think it is also important to champion those who TRY, but don’t get it quite “right,” and in my mind and sometimes vocally, i am giving those individuals a hearty, honest pat on the back for making an effort. HELLO! THEY TRIED. i am big believer in making an effort…any effort, as long as said effort was earnest. the act of trying is in and of itself is a victory, for those who try, and the world at large! trying and failing is better than not trying at all. they can smile and laugh and learn from their misteps, and so can we.
again, again, again: no human being is perfect…and thus, the need for lashing out and judging others is really unnecessary. as the old adage goes, people in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones…
style, in my mind, is NOT an US versus THEM affair, it is not a competition wherein one fashion camp “wins”. no one aesthetic is inherently “better” than another. there is something out there to suit each individual on the planet. nothing is truly inherently “wrong”, or inherently “right”. such judgements cannot be made about something as subjective as style. it may not be for you, but not being for you does not make it “wrong”. it just doesn’t. period.
the beauty of fashion in these early years of the 21st century is that it is incredibly diverse…you can wear what you want to wear, and be whom you want to be, depending on the context. you (and everyone else) have the freedom and the right to be who you want to be, and to express yourself in the way that you see fit. don’t abide anyone who endeavors to tell you any different.
this world is so full of nastiness, of negativity. do we really, honestly need more?
negativity for negativity’s sake only benefits the ego of the one spewing the negativity, and it is potentially hurtful for the target. even if expressed over bits and bytes, it can still sting…it is very real.
baseless, hurtful, biting negativity keeps people from pushing and trying with their clothing choices and can stifle their attempts to express their personal style. negativity can beget fear. fear is the mind killer, the personality killer. fear stops people from trying and expressing. as a result, they want to avoid the negativity, and often times sink into medocrity and sometimes plainess in an effort to avoid that negativity. people who have been the target of baseless negative feedback may subsequently be loathe to try again with fashion, to stretch their limits, and may give up on themselves and getting dressed altogether.
i think that act of giving up is incredibly sad…and even more sad, it might have been precipitated by the negative words of others. it’s really tragic…and unnecessary. people can be nasty, but you don’t have to listen.
when one person stretches, they stretch their own mind, and often, the minds of others. these people may just be the ones who move style forward…because they took a risk and put themselves out there, put something together in a way that pleased them. maybe, just maybe, they hit upon an innovation, and it reverberates through our culture, igniting a new trend. the thought of that very phenomenon is beautiful to me. not everyone who tries succeeds, but damn, the ones who do deserve adoration, not nastiness.
people who push boundaries (ones of their own creation or instilled by the culture at large), who simply TRY, who cultivate confidence and creativity and who are unafraid to fail, people who remain true to themselves and open to the world and everything it offers, even if its not their “aesthetic”…those people are truly my fashion heroes.
while i don’t abide baseless, aimless negativity or nastiness, i do in fact support intelligent discussion and i do believe that constructive criticism about style has it’s place (particularly and primarily when it is asked for). we all have our opinions, and we’re welcome to them, but there are tactful ways of expressing those opinions, especially if they could be perceived as negative. such tact takes sensitivity and skill…such tact should be cultivated amongst the stylish, should they want to be taken seriously.
it’s for these reasons and more i am against lists of rules for dressing…i wouldn’t want to impose them on others, just as i wouldn’t want them to be imposed upon me. i am the one who makes my own rules for myself.
you will rarely never see me make too many cutting declarations about that which is “in” or “out” in my own blog. the idea of doing such literally makes me cringe…and i cringe when i see such in magazines or elsewhere. i have opinions…sure! but i don’t want to fill my mind, life, and by extension, my blog with lists of (alleged) lameness. what’s out today will soon be back tomorrow. writing anything fashionable off, ANYTHING, seems a laughable prospect to me. i might not like it today, but might love it tomorrow. fashion is fickle, and so am i. listening to my own whims, tastes, and desires to me seems a better bet in a fast fashion world. the world is spinning, and knowing who i am and what i like aesthetically become the relative constants that keep me stylistically grounded.
kindness and positivity begets kindness and positivity. put positivity into the world, and it will come back to you in spades.
see also: gala darling’s post from march 2007 about negative people. thanks, gala. you’re always so astute and so amazing.
what say you? intelligent discussion welcomed. 
December 3 2007 | Posted in fashion musing, it's personal.
December 3 2007 at 10:44 pm
GalaOMG Tricia, you wear too much colour! My eyes!
o_O I don’t have anything particularly intelligent to say except AMEN SISTA.
December 3 2007 at 11:01 pm
jilllovelovelove this post! i like you 748932 times more now.
December 3 2007 at 11:17 pm
jesseWhen did Melissa and Joan Rivers start blogging?! I just don’t understand the energy or desire to go to that length to pick apart what someone else is wearing.
December 3 2007 at 11:19 pm
FloinnycSo weird that you posted about this as today I found some horrible comments on one of the french blog I follow every day. The girl who is very popular (she posts everyday about Paris, books, fashion, every kind of things) started a partnership with a young designer and showed her first two pair of earrings, on sale on her blog… OMG some people told her she was becoming so commercial, that her stuff was ugly, that she was using her audience & fame, blabla bla… I couldnt believe that people could so nasty, but I guess it is easy as it is anonymous.
)
And what worse to do it on people’s appearance and style, me if I see a post I don’t like (i.e. an outfit I am not crazy about) I don’t comment and wait for the next post unless the owner site ask for her viewers advice & opinion then I give it, in a girly supportive way, giving tips, shops to find the missing things, and applauding people that try various things with their style etc… That’s why I love the net and the blogs, for the new friends and the support but not for being destroyed on line!!
Ok Sorry I talk to much, and not particularly intelligent!!
December 3 2007 at 11:55 pm
MAs someone with a critical fashion blog (for all I know, this could be about me…except that I don’t think I’ve ever claimed to be non-judgemental.) I’d have to say my criticism comes from the fact that I want to point out when everyone is dressing the same, and how very tiring is to see the same wacky, supposedly original thing on millions of people. Whether it’s a hipster trend or a preppy trend or whatever, it’s still about imitation instead of creativity.
What’s more, the prevalence of “ironic” dressing drives me crazy because, for the most part, it seems to be based on wearing clothing to distance one’s self from the social “meaning” of the the clothes, ie, “I’m wearing clothes associated with white trash but I’m actually doing it ironically as I am an upper middle class young white person who is wearing them as a JOKE. Isn’t that funny and stylish?” Obviously, there’s a lot of gray area, but I have a real problem with this type of “irony.”
Secondly, I when I started the blog because of the multitide of blogs that were like, “Ruffles are in! Here’s a cute ruffled top at the Gap! Why don’t you buy it?”
But I try to balance my negative posts with positive ones. I’m certainly not conservative in my personal style and firmly believe in taking risks. I love when people go too far in a unique way, which is why I am willing to praise those in crazy, but truly unique outfits, as well as people like Dolly Parton and other fashion icons who could certainly never be called “tasteful.”
December 4 2007 at 12:26 am
triciaM: i was not aiming this post at you!
but i was hoping you would chime in…as i am more than willing to hear all sides of it all. i think you generally look at things in a critical, intelligent manner, with a lot more humor and sarcasm than i could ever dare to muster. you are questioning the status quo, and there’s definitely a need for that in this blogging niche. with this post i’m really referring to those who are belligerent and negative but lack an intelligent argument to back that negativity and nastiness up.
December 4 2007 at 1:18 am
jitterbeanIn the vein of being not-perfect, I totally think snarky things about people’s fashion. Although it is rarely about anyone who is actually trying to dress interestingly, because at least they are trying (unless I know them and don’t like them… then sometimes it’s a sick pleasure to be spiteful, which is bad, but I’m not gonna lie and say it never happens).
Usually my critical/mean thoughts about people’s fashion is when they look boring. I look at people a LOT and think, “Oh lord, please let me never give up on myself and dress like that…” Is that mean? Yeah, it is. And it’s small of me to feel smug and superior, because I have lazy days, and lord knows I don’t look like anything special at work. And fashion is hard, and time consuming, and it can be expensive (even while thrifting), and some people just are that into it, and that should be okay. But I still think mean thoughts and sometimes complain about how boring people dress.
But as for people who are trying but maybe not quite succeeding… did any of us spring well-dressed from the womb? Or didn’t we all have incredibly awkward phases where we were figuring out our style? Do we maybe still have awkward days when we’re trying out something new? Or maybe we had trendy phases or phases when we just wore a uniform of a sub group (goth, punk, hipster, whatever). Whatever it is, it takes a LOT of time and effort to have an interesting sense of style. I can see why not everyone does, not everyone wants to, and not everyone succeeds. And that’s okay too.
December 4 2007 at 4:19 am
ElaineTo be honest when I find such negative blogginess I just move on – for two reasons: one, it’s that person’s blog and their prerogative to post whatever they want to – I can choose not to read it, and two, if I want undermining snark of the pettiest kind (you’re too old/young/fat/thin/poor/wrinkly la-la-la) then I’ll go buy any mainstream ‘women’s’ magazine.
I suspect a lot of people write this way with a kernel of personal observation that gets built on and magnified in the name of producing a witty or sardonic piece. No-one would stand there in real life whilst someone gave a face-to-face critique in the same way. Writing it down is far more aggressive in a way that spoken word cannot be – the person/people at whom it is aimed can go back and read it time and time again, putting a different spin on words, twisting the knife or looking for kindness. Added to which, in posting it on the web – it’s like shouting it at the top of your voice in a playground – worse still, inviting others to join in with the kicking.
Offering an opinion is fair enough if someone say, asks ‘what do you think of …’ in a post/on a board – however – to rush in and blart out your precious and pre-eminent thoughts unasked for, or to go off and indulge in a little passive/aggressive essay elsewhere is just plain rude.
Not everyone cares about what they wear (in a sense of other than being clean and appropriate) – some people really should get over the fact that their own sartorial opinion is just that. Other folks dress in a way that is pleasing to themselves in terms of colour or pattern or texture; they take joy in an accessory that is ‘just’ right in their own eyes. That takes a deal of self-confidence. Sometimes it looks ridiculous to those who like to abide by being on trend and fashion rules/rights and wrongs – and if that floats your boat then there you go – it’s probably pointless to flame them (they’re not listening/reading anyway) no matter how witty.
I’m all for a bit of constructive critique/comment – but relentless self-aggrandizement – nah.
December 4 2007 at 5:10 am
EvaEverybody is negative once in a while, of course. That said, I also try not to be, especially because where I grew up, people being negative and judgmental was “normal” and happening every day (a small village where everybody knows each other). I’ve since tried and tried to understand why people are so negative and put so much energy into putting down others (be it on the net, to their face or behind their backs in gossip). I think it’s a case of “us” versus “them” and a deeply ingrained fear of inferiority and lack of self-esteem. Probably basically a general feeling of discontentment. In my village “the fear” and envy was also a big factor. “The fear” being, that one day you could switch groups from belonging to “us” to being one of “them”. So if I apply my homemade “village psychology” to these people berating outfits/styles, I’d say their reasons are as follows:
They feel they belong to an “elite” (that, in this case, has taste, style, a certain je ne sais quoi, is in the know). Their sense of identity and self-worth is strongly dependent on belonging to said elite. Belonging to any kind of elite is neat. (;-))
In order to underline the superiority of the elite to the “others”, the “common people”, who in their opinion do everything to mock the elite and abase themselves in lives of ignorant self-indulgence (belonging to an elite is hard work, you know!), the elite of course has to, feels the DUTY to point out the weaknesses and ridicules they spot in others. In this case: “Fashion/style is a serious business not to be trifled with. I spent hours and lots of money on my look. How does that person dare to just wear any old generic look? How ridiculous! How sad! How disgusting! Thank god I’m such a better person and so much more disciplined, beautiful, fascinating, legitimate and interesting!” (Looks into mirror.) This also explains that why, as soon as the -insert fashion item here- the elite loved just two months ago are burned, as soon as any of the “common people” are seen wearing them.
The elite feels threatened by the “others”. In this case: “Also people NOT interested in clothes can spend happy lives! She’s wearing those ugly pants and seems HAPPY! How can this be?! It’s so unfair! I’m working and working on my look and there she goes being happy!” Because people in the elite constantly have to compare themselves to others (you have to know who you’re up against, after all), they are subject to fear and envy. Are the others happier/more successful than them after all? They see that their lifestyle is not the only livable, valuable, feasible one. But they would never, ever admit it, because, as said above, their very identity depends on belonging to the “elite”.
So, to sum this novel up, it’s all very sad. And a reason to try not to be so negative!
December 4 2007 at 6:52 am
sjwi’ve come to think of this breed of negativity as an indicator of maturity (but certainly not age). there’s a stage i went through (and dwelled in for much longer than was really necessary) where i felt like being mean and bitchy was a sign of how critical and serious i was. but really negativity and criticality have nothing to do with one another, seriousness is entirely overrated (this was also around the time when i thought the quanitiy of books i read was some kind of intelligence indicator). it was also a sort of armour. being endlessly sarcastic made me think i was fearsome, when really i was just missing out on genuine contact with good people who didn’t nurse their mean streak.
so i have compassion for the haters. but not very much time.
xs
December 4 2007 at 9:37 am
HeatherI think I may know the post you’re thinking about. Either way, I too have come across something like this. For me, it was more than a little surprising to find, as I really enjoyed the blog otherwise, and certainly respected the author’s opinion. Until that post.
My own fashion has gone from Mamma’s Girl, to Hippie, to Discount Trend, to Artsy University Student to Poor Civil Servant. I have been one of those people too afraid to try something different and interesting, for fear of that criticism. These days, I embrace my own creativity and the creativity of others. Sure, there are some cases where I think something is just entirely unappropriate, but that’s my opinion and I would never put someone down.
I see no point to put out more negativity into the world, especially over something like this. We should be encouraging people to try new things, new colours, new fabrics and new shapes. In case, the post I found was written by a popular designer, so I was surprised that someone who created fashion, someone who should have been at the forefront, was so… conservative.
Anyway, I ramble
This can all be summerized as: I agree completely!
December 4 2007 at 11:35 am
AmberGreat post, Tricia. I completely agree.
December 4 2007 at 12:25 pm
lisaspeak it, sister!!! this is why i love you so much.
December 4 2007 at 3:42 pm
MariaSo true! We have so much choice in just about everything, why jump so hard on anyone who chooses differently, whether we are talking about fashion or not. I stopped buying fashion magazines because I just couldn’t take one more article telling me what not to do and what everyone at the age of (whatever) has to do! Enough is enough – what we all need is to learn to be good to ourselves and extend that to others too. Mini rant over
December 4 2007 at 6:08 pm
jenniferIt’s easy to fall into a trap of loathing and put-downs, especially when in a really bad mood. It takes a lot more work to stay positive (or at least respectfuly) about everything surrounding you, and that’s what shows true sense of self (something I think the negativity bloggers are attempting to do).
Being nasty because you think you’re cool and hilarious is unfunny. Being nasty because you mean it is worse.
December 5 2007 at 12:26 am
sherbet tone/sarahI was just pondering this very same idea the other day – the negativity trend in fashion on the web. I think you have done an amazing job of addressing it here, Tricia. In general, I wish more people would follow the age old rule: “If you don’t have anything nice to say, say nothing at all.” Negativity gains nothing. The more you accept, the more you learn and develop a personal sense of style. Everyone makes “mistakes” in fashion. That’s what keeps things interesting.
December 5 2007 at 6:02 am
ElaineOn a lighter note – a delightful story about clothing choices in the face of societal/peer pressure
http://modan.blogs.nytimes.com/2007/09/04/queen-of-the-scottish-fairies/
December 5 2007 at 8:41 am
CaseyAgreed.
I was just thinking about this yesterday, actually! I find it so annoying and disappointing that so much of the fashion world is excessively negative. Just imagine if the amount of energy put towards being mean towards others was put to the creative side of dressing and fashion?! lol.
Thanks for writing this!
December 5 2007 at 2:16 pm
maiwe spoke a bit about this last sunday and i wrote a brief bit on the fashionist post that contains your photo, but i just wanted to agree with you here. and say that my basic criteria for asking people if i can take a photo of them or not, is if they seem to have made an effort in dressing. (of course, sometimes my personal whims also come into play when i photograph, but this has been my basic policy from day 1.) good post.
December 5 2007 at 2:44 pm
:: so much for that… :: « elegant musings[...] As luck, or the alignment of the stars, or the Bloggy gods (or whatever… lol!) would have it, the always astute Tricia weighed in on a similar topic regarding fashion yesterday! Be sure to check out her lengthy and intelligent post Negate the Negativity. [...]
December 5 2007 at 3:19 pm
eireannI can’t tell you how many times I’ve made a choice with my clothes that was just a little more daring–a little closer to really representing how my insides feel–because I’ve read your writing over the past few years. You’ve really helped change how I conceive of clothes and my expression of myself through them.
December 5 2007 at 4:04 pm
GwenI think it is not uncommon across many disciplines (not just fashion), for people to vilify anyone who is different. It could be a difference in appearance, in culture, in beliefs, in dialect or language, in values, in life style, in career choice – whatever. (Even in how you wash the dishes or load up the toilet paper on the roller!) It just seems like many human beings can’t accept the fact that it’s okay for them to feel one way about something and for someone else to feel a different way. One position (preferrably theirs) has to be “RIGHT” and thus the other person has to be “WRONG”. I’m beginning to think that it’s pretty rare and special to find someone who is mature enough to feel good about themselves and their choices, and yet accept the fact that what suits them doesn’t have to suit everyone else, and each person is entitled to make his/her own choices, whatever those may be…
–Gwen
December 5 2007 at 4:07 pm
BeckyHear hear!! I see stuff on other people’s blogs (especially since I tend to frequent a lot of sewing sites) that I wouldn’t wear all the time. But that doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate their creativity, or willingness to dress differently in a world of cookie-cutter off-the-rack fashion. Nothing wrong with having your own style, but that doesn’t give anyone the right to tear another person’s style down for being different. I’m glad my friends don’t do that, since I tend to dress differently than all of them!
December 5 2007 at 4:42 pm
JosiI don’t trust people who only say positive things. I either suspect them of being a little desperate for friends, or too slick to be trustworthy.
I don’t *only* have positive thoughts, and I don’t think keeping my snark to myself has any positive benefits. There have been too many times when the person I snarked has come back and said “Thanks for the criticism and the laugh” for me to care about the ones who are easily wounded.
So what if someone doesn’t like a certain style, or even your style? I think I am more suspicious of the people who want to silence critics than the critics. Why do care so much if someone wrote a blog bashing aspects of current trends? They get to express their opinion.
I feel that you are justifying it by stating you feel the person was less than eloquent – but that’s another issue entirely. Is her lack of eloquence only troublesome when she is being critical? If you are a frequent reader of her blog, did her lack of eloquence become apparent to you before? If so, why read someone who’s writing style in distasteful to you?
I think debating what people say in their blogs is valid. I think debating their saying it at all… is kinda repressive.
December 5 2007 at 4:56 pm
triciajosi: point taken. but debate or disagreement or honest, tactful criticism is not the issue here…it’s negativity for negativity’s sake, the sort of which benefits really only the person making the negative statement. however, asking critical questions is something i wholeheartedly support.
like i said above, i have opinions, but in this particular forum (my own blog) i’d rather keep most of my thoughts and observations on the positive side, or discuss other, more serious matters in an intelligent manner. if that makes me untrustworthy or repressive to some, so be it.
December 5 2007 at 5:23 pm
Mthanks for the reassurance, tricia. i do agree with josi that negativity has as much of a place as positivity in critique, but, with both, it has to be done with attention and actual analysis. negativity with nothing to back it up is just as useless as praising something for no real reason.
i think she’s curious as to what makes some statements negative for negativity’s sake and what statements are negative for a good reason, as the original post seems to be a bit anti ALL negativity in blogging, which is what she found repressive.
it does bug me how blogs like go fug yourself are always making fun of people’s outfits and then praising bland, appropriate looks. if you are going to criticize others for going out on a limb, you have to go out on a limb sometimes yourself.
mary
December 6 2007 at 12:54 am
JosiWhy does criticism need to be tactful for you to approve of it? Why can’t it be biting, sarcastic, funny? Or even poorly written – I mean, we *are* talking about a blog, right?
Why do you find it so negative, instead of someone’s opinion? Isn’t there stuff you don’t like? Why do you keep that to yourself? More importantly, though, is why do you expect others to keep it to themselves as you do? If you want people to venture out in their own style, that should include how they express themselves with words… don’t you think? My style with words and your style with words are different, right?, so why doesn’t your quote “i believe that there is inherent beauty in all styles” apply to words? Certainly there are some people who dress to shock or make a point… and if that is acceptable to you, then why does a blog need to be “tactful” when I doubt you would claim that fashion should be “tactful”…
s’all I’m saying…
December 6 2007 at 10:52 am
Lisa-GabrielleTricia!!
This post just about brings a tear to my eye!
“i think that act of giving up is incredibly sad” with my busy lifestyle I am almost always on the verge of this,but somehow ,I still have a need to “do my thing” style-wise and reach for the more inspiring things in my closet.
…but that quote is not really what this post is about. What I love is that you really have become a champion for individual style.
December 6 2007 at 11:32 am
JosiTricia, you were criticising someone else’s actions rather harshly, and I just brought up a few questions for you to ponder. If that’s reason to defriend me… well, WOW! I guess you only want to hear from the people who agree with you, because my words were carefully measured and certainly a considered response to your blog post. If that challenges you so much that you cannot be my friend… so be it. But it is incredibly disappointing that you will make a post criticizing someone, but then can’t take a little critique yourself…
what was that about glass houses and throwing style stones again? Or is that the problem – that I pointed out a bit opf hypocrisy in your stance, and in doing so I crossed some line with you?
December 6 2007 at 1:07 pm
EvaThis discussion is very interesting! I’d like to reply to Josi, who’s defending criticism. As, I think, everyone agrees, constructive criticism is welcome, not always comfortable, not always received with joy, but respected and appreciated. I have made too many negative experiences, though, to be in any way impressed by harsh, biting and thoughtless criticism. The people who choose to express their opinion in this way often have a hidden agenda in my experience and often take pleasure in putting others down, hurting others and thus cementing their own feeble self-esteem. If such people are criticised for their manner, they often say: “I’m just honest!” In the past I used to be impressed by that argument, wondering whether there was something wrong with my more measured style of dealing with things. But having dealt with more than enough unpleasant people, I’ve come to value my own instincts and opinions a lot more. An in my opinion, this brand of honesty does not excuse being thoughtless and rude in social interaction. Honesty should encompass respect, empathy, compassion and a certain degree of (emotional) intelligence.
December 6 2007 at 3:01 pm
JosiEva – I’m not just defending “constructive” criticism, I am defending *any* criticism in someone’s blog, or in any written form. Just because some people do not find snark of any use, some of us really enjoy giving, receiving, hearing & reading wickedly funny, cut-to-the-quick cutdowns. It would come, then, as no surprise that people like Amy Sedaris and Sarah Silvermann are the entertainers I find most amusing – and obviously many other people enjoy that sort of humor as well.
There is a difference between the written word and directly speaking to someone. There is a difference between writing an opinion piece and giving a critique. And they don’t have to have the same standards – why should they? Because some people want them to? Well, other people want more freedom when choosing from their creative box of tricks because yes, snark is a creative medium. Again – refer to the comediennes, the political satirists, the film critics… and obviously this sort of thing is both enjoywed and considered useful by millions of people.
Tricia wasn’t commenting on the social interaction variety of being critical – she was commenting on a blog post, and if there is one place every person should feel free to stand on their soap box and express whatever they feel like – it should be their blog. This post of Tricia’s debated the validity of expressing critical thoughts at least as much as she debated the content of the blog post (which none of us could read, because she didn’t provide a link, so how are any of us to know if what crossed Tricia’s line of negativity for negativity’s sake would cross our own…?).
But perhaps most importantly – in this post Tricia praises and celebrates those who make bold choices in their apparel, yet wags her finger at those who make bold choices with their words. As someone who considers both of those creative tools of my trade, I want them equally unfettered.
December 6 2007 at 5:03 pm
diana @ sofashongreat post. I want positivity tooo!!!!
December 6 2007 at 7:22 pm
jenniferJosi– I completely don’t agree with you (mostly), but I do commend you for a sound and reasonable argument. Well played and bravo.
December 6 2007 at 8:23 pm
GwenFirst, I think there’s a difference between choosing bold clothes to express yourself and choosing bold words to express yourself. It’s highly unlikely (although not impossible, I suppose) to hurt someone else with the clothes that you choose. Offend, yes; hurt, no. But it’s very easy to hurt someone else with the words you choose. Josi, you say that you can’t see any value in keeping your snarky comments to yourself and that you don’t really care all that much about people who are hurt by the things that you say. That is, of course, your call. (No offense, but you aren’t invited to our house for Christmas. It’s no loss really, you wouldn’t like me anyways.)
But I can’t help but feel that your arguments are getting a bit circular. It seems like you’re defending the position that a person should be able to express whatever opinions she wants in a blog, and at the same time, you are criticizing Tricia for expressing her opinions in her blog. Is that really fair? Maybe she is being hypocritical, but so what? According to you, the blog is the one place where anyone should be able to say whatever they want – I would have thought that this included being critical of what other people say and how they say it.
December 6 2007 at 9:26 pm
EricaOn a different note–
I think that on one level, the explosion of negativity is a side effect of the massive amount of exposure to difference we now have, largely thanks to the Internet. When people come across things that are unfamiliar a common response is to interpret it as threatening, unless one has managed to hold onto the open, accepting nature we have as children.
Style blogs, or even blogs in general are such a recent phenomenon in the grand scheme of things; sometimes I think we forget how new this technology is, we’ve embraced it so tightly. Fifteen, ten or even five years ago it wasn’t as easy to encounter such a diverse array of styles, opinions, viewpoints etc., unless you happened to live in a diverse environment or consciously surrounded yourself with a diverse group (which honestly is rare). Now, a farm girl in Nebraska can check out the latest styles from Shinjuku in a hot second. Parisian fashionistas can check out what’s popping on the streets of Seattle. Surely, SURELY there will be some reactions, not entirely positive.
Exposed to a greater, wider view of the world and its people, inevitably we will come across the disgusting, confusing, amusing and befuddling. That’s the result of an arena of free expression, I think. I don’t think most people truly want free expression, because it exposes the truth of who we are as a collective. We realize that not everyone shares our culture, beliefs or point of view. Not everyone can or wants to express themselves in an intelligent, polite manner. Not everyone behaves in a respectful way. There will always be some staticky, nasty people. And that’s a tough pill to swallow. However, if more people direct their energy towards positivity and the things they do like, natural forces take over and reward what’s attractive. It’s so simple! Now, if something jars you at first, but also intrigues you and gets your curiosity going, dig deeper. It means that you see something there that you like, something beautiful. What is it?
Each individual’s job is to be themselves and tend to their own garden, and not to try to figure out why others can’t or won’t do the same. The results will speak for themselves!
December 6 2007 at 9:36 pm
Lady SmaggleHmmm… sometimes I say mean things on my blog. But never about people who make an effort. And in my humble opinion I feel that I can tell the difference. People who wear dirty, ill-fitting and vulgar clothes really irritate me. I have no patience for people who take no pride in their appearence. Would the lovely ladies who have commented on this post call that a style choice? All I ask for is for people’s clothes to fit, to cover the parts they are supposed to cover and generally be in a fit state for public perusal.
And mostly when I say negative things it’s directed at anonymous people. Praise should always be personal and criticism should be amiguous. For instance I have to say that I hate high waisted jeans. But I have seen several ladies on Wardrobe Remix looking SENSATIONAL in them. Also I have seen people wearing them thoughtlessly on the street and they have looked hideous. It’s all about the effort.
And sure, there some people who don’t give a rats about clothing. Fine. A well fitting pair of classic trousers will be just as comfortable as your disgusting grey tracksuit pants with the elastic around the ankles. And they won’t make me feel like I am not important enough to look decent for.
No one is ever too old, fat, young or thin to wear anything that makes them feel good. And I will support ANY fashion decision that someone makes as long as there is effort or some sense of conscious decision behind it. I saw the most amazing girl getting on a bus the other day wearing layer upon layer of black lace and she had an incredibly intricate spider web drawn on her face. How fabulous. People where staring at her all over the place but I thought she looked amazing. Why? She made an effort. Many of the people around her were clearly offended by her look but I was much offended by the man behind her whose shirt was too short to cover his stomach and I could see his belly hair almost to his belly button. And he actually had the nerve to sneer at the beauteous creature in front of him? For shame…
December 6 2007 at 11:21 pm
Lady SmaggleActually I just realised I wrote a post recently on how I love that not everyone loves everything and how diverse fashion is. Also that we should very pleasant to each other.
http://www.smagglestyle.com/?p=442
But I accidently turned off the comments and I don’t know how to turn it back on. But I’ll try!
December 7 2007 at 3:31 am
EvaJosi – I understood you are defending any kind of criticism. I was just trying to explain which kind of criticism I find thoughtless and why (and why I don’t care for that breed at all). Satire and truly negative criticism are very different things/mediums. I do enjoy good satire and the occasional intelligently-written snare (which are VERY rare) as much as most people. But things like: “This dress makes her look like a troll.” are neither original, funny nor intelligent. Who benefits from blunt and thoughtless criticism? I’d say neither the recipient nor the readers. And it surely doesn’t shed a favourable light on the writer. Comedy usually has to “hurt”, be it a soft spot in people/society, some boundaries or similar things, in order to be funny. The art is toeing the line. Because on the other side of satirical, funny and intelligent can be just plain ugly.
I think one important question Tricia raised is why people choose to spend so much time and energy on being negative (using whichever medium to express it), rather than concentrating on the positive. Why does someone choose to spend an hour writing a post on aesthetics they loathe, instead of using that time to praise those they love?
December 7 2007 at 8:48 am
BCSnarking at people who aren’t really interested in fashion for dressing badly or in a boring way would be like snarking at me for liking movies where stuff blows up real good. I mean, I do but…so what? I could probably get into film, and spend ages developing taste, and understanding different directors etc, but my interests lie elsewhere so that’s where my energies go.
Some people might just toss on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt every day, because they spend their time caring about something other than what they wear. I’m not trying to imply that these people are very high minded and care about more important things, but fashion is kind of a hobby, I think. If you have a different one, so what?
I can get that people might want to critique outfits, in the same way that one might critique a piece of art, but it’s so subjective that if you go about it in a mean kind of way, there’s always gonna be someone who says ‘hey! I totally dig that!’, and anything at all that you wear could be subject to the same treatment. And hey, in 20 years it could be the height of fashion. Even if it’s gray tracksuit bottoms with elastic. ESPECIALLY if it’s gray tracksuit bottoms with elastic!
December 7 2007 at 10:37 am
SarahOh, heavens THANK YOU for this post! I am so tired of women bashing women over clothing. I am a more conservative dresser but I love reading and seeing women express their personal style. And why do we have to point out the flaws in what we see? It’s one thing to say, ok, that isn’t something I’d wear, or I’d rather have a red purse with that outfit, but never in a nasty way, and preferably not to an audience. And I’ve obviously read much more catty comments on blogs, most of which I now avoid. As an earlier poster said, it’s usually immaturity.
December 7 2007 at 3:27 pm
Tawny Kate-aenThank you for this! I have always been totally puzzled as to why people feel the need to insult others for having different tastes in fashion.
A couple of months ago, I literally got assaulted outside a nightclub by a couple of girls because they were not fans of the gold lame miniskirt I was wearing — seriously!. I can only suggest that that kind of nasty attitude is exhibited by the kind of person who is incredibly insecure, and most likely afraid to take fashion risks because she fears other people’s opinions.
Like Diana Vreeland said, “Never fear being vulgar, just boring.”
December 9 2007 at 1:33 pm
KyleIt’s really pretty heartbreaking to me that we (women in particular) spend so much time finding fault in others, only making ourselves feel alone and upset in the end.
I think many of us need to resolve to turn off the automatic cattiness reflex and instead find ways to relate to other people. That goes for fashion and beyond, obviously!
You’re changing the style world, Tricia. Keep up the good work.
December 12 2007 at 2:15 pm
futuregirlI wrote this post about negative craft snobs, but it works well for any kind of negative snobbery:
http://www.futuregirl.com/craft_blog/2007/10/all-self-righteous-boobs-raise-your.html
Part of the problem with deriding a certain fashion sense (or craft or type of music) is that you may actually end up wearing those clothes (or doing that craft of listening to that kind of music). How stupid do you feel then?
I’m as judgmental as the next girl. Especially when it super-funny. I don’t want any of you to think I’m being holier-than-thou … but I keep it private. I laugh with my friends and family because they are the only people who I don’t mind laughing at me when I end up making a 180 later.
December 17 2007 at 4:54 pm
AllyI see a lot of this in uniformed sub cultures like the goth community. I know I get a lot of snickers and bitchy comments because I refuse to wear the uniform.
I think there are a handful of people who find style ‘easy’– they have money and a body that is easy to clothe by current standards. I think most fashion snark is leveled at people who are outside of this norm and who have decided to invent things for themselves.
I know when I go to a club or see someone on the street who inspires me it’s always someone taking a risk or being humorous or playful with their look. It makes me positively gleeful– and to be honest in London I don’t see that kind of thing often enough.
March 7 2008 at 6:06 pm
nobodygirlThis is a great article.
I know exactly what you mean. And I see it everywhere too. First there are people who talk about people who obviously need help–people looking at people who don’t know what looks good, don’t know who they are. And then they write really really good blogs about what those people could do better. (Or make good TV shows. You know.)
Then people think that it’s the thing to criticize other people. Some of them criticize (not just critiquing either!) people who probably could use the help.
And then there are the people who are into fashion (I read your article about fashion vs. style–and I mean the first) and people who think they’re into fashion but are really very much into their own style and don’t know it, and they criticize things that aren’t their style. They remind me of the people who wrote the Glamour Dont’s List.
God, I love that list. It seriously gives me inspiration. I’m wearing too much lace, a side ponytail, and a fake fur coat right now.